Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write a More Stupid, Metafictional, Self-Indulgent, and Downright Silly Story Than "Doctor Who and Gaming the System" by Highly-Acclaimed Creator of the Noodle Man Plum Pudding (short story)
Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write a More Stupid, Metafictional, Self-Indulgent, and Downright Silly Story Than "Doctor Who and Gaming the System" by Highly-Acclaimed Creator of the Noodle Man Plum Pudding was a short story written by Aquanafrahudy which was released in 2024.
It was primarily a Doctor Who fanfiction, featuring several elements from its expanded universe, along with featuring an incarnation of Jenny Everywhere.
Contents
Plot
Chapter 1: CHAPTER CXVIII - Part 7.2
In her TARDIS, Doctor Who, as played by Joanna Lumley, thinks about the Great Cosmic War, pondering who she's fighting at this point. Suddenly, she notices the Noodle Man, who briefly speaks to Doctor Who "noodly", before calling the Seventh Doctor, as played by Sylvester McCoy, to ask him to travel along in metatime to the future. The Seventh Doctor initially declines, before being convinced and appearing behind the Noodle Man.
Suddenly, the Zarbi appear and the Seventh Doctor speaks to the author about characterisation, before it's revealed that Chris Cwej is also there. Doctor Who, as portrayed by Tom Baker, appears and questions the excessive swearing, having arrived while testing his new dress. Doctor Who, as portrayed by Lily Savage, notes that Doctor Who (Tom Baker) is here for "fanservice", with Doctor Who, as "uncanonically" portrayed by Judi Dench, responds, accusing them of stealing their story ideas.
The Zarbi note that the author really hasn't heard of characterisation, leading Auteur to arrive, noting that he hasn't, before the Zarbi note that he's the wrong author, and Auteur reminds them that they can't speak. Auteur then notices Chris Cwej staring at him, and they immediately fall for each other and begin having sex, Auteur thanking God that this isn't canonical.
Jenny Everywhere then arrives, as she's an open source character, leading Doctor Who (Tom Baker) to begin a vote to kick Jenny out of the story, with Auteur and Chris Cwej denying to participate as Auteur is fucking Chris Cwej and Chris is Chris fucking Cwej.
Suddenly, the group turn upside-down and start hanging off a cliff as the Daleks invade.
Chapter 2: Chapter Seven
Jenny Everywhere notices "Thirteenth Doctor (The Curse of Fatal Death)", and after very brief flirting the two begin making out due to the Power of Gay. Noticing this, Mary Whitehouse declares that it's "too much woke", leading Doctor Who (Joanna Lumley) to kill her.
Suddenly, the Daleks invade the fanfiction, stating that only they will be able to appear in fanfiction, before deciding to become bananas. A passing Heffalump comments that the fic is "incredibly pointless", with the author telling them to shut up, although Auteur notes that he did not tell them to shut up, as he's busy fucking Chris Cwej, to which the author, Aquanafrahudy, responds that the story wasn't referring to Auteur.
The Toymaker arrives, stating himself to be the villain of this piece, before the Noodle Man noodles all over him.
Lawrence Miles arrives, stating himself to be Los, and saying that he felt like killing some Tories. The looming face of Jon Pertwee arrives, stating that there are Tories here, with Lawrence attempting to save the day before tripping over a timeship and dying of "cringe".
The Twelfth Doctor discusses his top surgery with Missy, who mentions that her bottom surgery is next week, with both of them noting that they're goth and trans. Bill Potts notes that she's a Communist, before Jacob tells her to shut up.
Lawrence Miles again dies, this time of "anti-wokeness", and Paul Magrs arrives, "Pauls Magrs[ing] all over the place". They then all get initiated into Faction Paradox, and a voiceover makes an announcement the following day. During this, a shadow moves and the Time Lord doing the voiceover notices that it has a "great big sword", and blood spews everywhere.
Chapter 3: Once Upon a Time in Fairyland
Susit and Dionus of the Chancellery Guard of Gallifrey stand either side of a large doorway, wondering what happened to all the good writers, before turning into bananas. "All the bananas" have now become fish, swimming off to the Bahamas.
In the Bahamas, tourists have taken over and killed the local wildlife. The author begins to return to the scene of people dying, before Mary Whitehouse arrives and hits the author with an umbrella, before falling in love with Bernice Summerfield and having sex with her. The author notes that it's "That Kind of a Story", not to be confused with That King of a Story, leading the King of Astory to arrive, asking the author if they'd said his name, which the author denies. The King then presents the Astory Historical Records, which are also a worm called Brian, who the author refuses to allow into the story.
Faction Paradox then arrive and repeatedly "faction[] our paradox", with the author eventually remarking "Oh dear!" each time, then "Oh dear! This isn't good!", and then the author called the Time Lords in each loop, and eventually the Time Lords arrest Faction Paradox for Improper Conduct, although they later escape. Doctor Who then shouts about how the fanfic is meant to be about them, and Jenny Everywhere notes that the fanfic is trying too hard to be weird, to which the author tells her to shut up.
David Tennant then arrives, bouncing about and getting in people's faces, followed by Davros and Sarah-Jane Smith both of whom wish to have sex with David, leading them to have a "Last Great Cosmic Time War in Heaven" about it.
Back at the start of the story, in her TARDIS, Doctor Who, as played by Joanna Lumley, thinks about the Great Cosmic War, pondering who she's fighting at this point. Suddenly, she notices the Noodle Man, who mentions a time loop.
Lumley then attempts to call William Hartnell, deciding not to call Sylvester McCoy as she's aware of how time loops work. After failing, she decides to quote him instead, saying "Fuck the police", leading the Noodle Man to fuck the police, which they're happy about. The Shift then introduces themselves, before realising that the readers don't know who they are and leaving.
And thus, the Last Great Cosmic Time War in Heaven seemingly ends, leading Doctor Who to argue with the author about whether it's ended. Jenny Everywhere states that the fanfiction is "rubbish", to which both the author and Joanna Lumley tell her to shut up, with the two then kissing vehemently. The author decides to delete the whole fic, wondering why there was so much sex, and Godfather Morlock notes that he enjoyed it, before getting his own copy and erasing the fic from existence. The author and Morlock discuss the War, leading Morlock to note that it had been fine until Moffat came and compressed it all.
Chapter 4: 16,789. The Rise of something or other, probably.
Aquanafrahudy sets Faction Paradox on gibbypg from the Doctor Who Discord server. Joanna Lumley question this, and they're soon all killed by a giant fish, and Lumley is revealed to be Foxstiel, also from the aforementioned server.
The author turns out to be gibbypg, gibbypg turns out to be Joanna Lumley, Foxstiel turns out to be Tom Baker, and Danny DeVito turns out to be the Goblin King. Everyone then dies and comes back as Colin Baker before strangling Peri, then Sylvester McCoy kills them all and they go to Hell.
Chapter 5: In which I find I am fighting off a slow sense of existential dread at the thought that possibly the well of ideas in my brain might not be infinite & that I might not be able to carry on writing this forever and oh god that’s rather a hellish thought
The author realises they may not have an infinite amount of ideas in their mind, meaning that they won't be able to continue the story forever, which they find to be a hellish thought.
Chapter 6: CHAPTER 1
Having finished having sex with Chris Cwej, Auteur asks the author if he can become the main villain of the story, usurping the narrative and winning the day, to which he's denied, before walking away dejectedly in an out-of-character fashion.
The Menoptera jump up and down on the Zarbi's heads, leading the Zarbi to "boop" out of existence, with the Menoptera getting excited that they're in a fanfic, only for an ad-break to begin, advertising a human colony that appeared in an episode of Doctor Who.
The Daleks then emerge from the ad, planning to take over the fanfic, only for Doctor Who to state that they won't take over the fanfic, calling them shit villains, with the Daleks keeling over.
Doctor Who and the Daleks are kidnapped by Evil Froxbanians and the story ends.
Jenny Everywhere argues with the author about whether the story should end there, before Missy descends and asks for the Joanna Lumley Doctor. Finding her, Missy puts an arm around her, and they gaze into each other's eyes, stating their love for each other. The Toymaker speaks up, only for the Noodle Man to noodle all over him again, leading the story to finally end, with Doctor Who, as portrayed by Judi Dench, to comment on its shortness, with the author simply telling them to shut up.
Chapter 7: This is not an epilogue
Quattro asks "WHAT ABOUT ME?", leading Doctor Who to ask who Quattro is. Quattro responds and eats Doctor Who, with blood squirting everywhere and the story ending.
Chapter 8: This is definitely not an epilogue.
Mattie, from the Doctor Who Discord server, asks if they can be in the fanfic, with the author denying this and deciding to finally end the story.
Worldbuilding
To be added
Continuity
- The Toymaker was previously depicted in Jenny Everywhere media in COMIC: Peter's Death.
more to be added
Behind the scenes
Read online
The story was originally released on Archive of Our Own here.
