View source for Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write... (short story)

{{DISPLAYTITLE:''Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write a More Stupid, Metafictional, Self-Indulgent, and Downright Silly Story Than "Doctor Who and Gaming the System" by Highly-Acclaimed Creator of the Noodle Man Plum Pudding (short story)}}{{CW|sexual material, excessive violence}}{{Short Story
|title1        = ''Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write a More Stupid, Metafictional, Self-Indulgent, and Downright Silly Story Than "Doctor Who and Gaming the System" by Highly-Acclaimed Creator of the Noodle Man Plum Pudding''
|image1        = Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write....png
|hero(es)      = [[The Female Doctor|Doctor Who]]
|villain(s)    =
|featuring     = [[The Noodle Man (Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write...)|The Noodle Man]]<br>[[The Enemy]]<br><small>(mentioned)</small><br>[[Joanna Lumley]]<br>[[The Toymaker (Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write...)|The Toymaker]]<br>[[Seventh Doctor (Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write...)|Seventh Doctor]]<br>[[Sylvester McCoy]]<br>[[Sophie Everytime]]<br><small>(mentioned)</small><br>[[Aquanafrahudy (in-universe)|Aquanafrahudy]]<br>[[Chris Cwej (Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write...)|Chris Cwej]]<br>[[Fourth Doctor (Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write...)|Fourth Doctor]]<br>[[Tom Baker]]<br><small>(mentioned)</small><br>[[The Doctor (The Lily Savage Show)|Doctor Who]]<br>[[Lily Savage]]<br><small>(mentioned)</small><br>[[Judi Dench Doctor|Doctor Who]]<br>[[Judi Dench]]<br><small>(mentioned)</small><br>[[Auteur (Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write...)|Auteur]]<br>[[Jenny Everywhere (Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write...)|Jenny Everywhere]]<br>[[Mary Whitehouse]]<br>"[[Heffalump (Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write...)|Passing Heffalump]]"<br>[[Lawrence Miles]]<br>[[William Blake]]<br><small>(mentioned)</small><br>[[Jon Pertwee]]<br>[[Twelfth Doctor (Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write...)|Twelfth Doctor]]<br>[[Missy]]<br>[[Jacob (Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write...)|Jacob]]<br>[[Los]]<br>[[Dionus (Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write...)|Dionus]]<br>[[Susit (Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write...)|Susit]]<br>[[Bernice Summerfield]]<br>[[King of Astory]]<br>[[Brian (Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write...)|Brian]]<br>[[David Tennant (Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write...)|David Tennant]]<br>[[Davros]]<br>[[Sarah-Jane Smith]]<br>[[William Hartnell]]<br><small>(mentioned)</small><br>[[Alice Obiefune]]<br><small>(mentioned)</small><br>[[The Shift]]<br>[[Godfather Morlock]]<br>[[Steven Moffat]]<br><small>(mentioned)</small><br>[[gibbypg]]<br>[[Foxstiel]]<br>[[Danny DeVito (Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write...)|Danny DeVito]]<br>[[Goblin King (Doctor Who)|Goblin King]]<br>[[Janis Goblin]]<br><small>(mentioned)</small><br>[[Colin Baker]]<br>[[Plum Pudding (in-universe)|Plum Pudding]]<br>[[Peri Brown]]<br>[[Terry Nation]]<br><small>(mentioned)</small><br>[[Quattro]]<br>[[Mattie (Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write...)|Mattie]]
|setting       = [[Universe (Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write...)|Unnamed universe]]
|length        = 8 chapters
|writer(s)     = [[Aquanafrahudy]]
|dates         = May 4th, 2024
|original_link = [https://archiveofourown.org/works/55679605/chapters/141336577]
|seriesnav     = [[Aquanafrahudy]] stories
|previous      = ''[[Jenny Everywhere and the Even More Annoyingly-Titled Sequel to "Jenny Everywhere and the Rather Annoyingly Titled Sequel to "Jenny Everywhere and the Very Short Story"" (short story)|Jenny Everywhere and the Even More Annoyingly-Titled Sequel to "Jenny Everywhere and the Rather Annoyingly Titled Sequel to "Jenny Everywhere and the Very Short Story""]]''
|next          = 
}}
'''''Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write a More Stupid, Metafictional, Self-Indulgent, and Downright Silly Story Than "Doctor Who and Gaming the System" by Highly-Acclaimed Creator of the Noodle Man Plum Pudding''''' was a short story written by [[Aquanafrahudy]] which was released in 2024.

It was primarily a ''[[Doctor Who (series)|Doctor Who]]'' fanfiction, featuring several elements from its expanded universe, along with featuring [[Jenny Everywhere (Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write...)|an incarnation]] of [[Jenny Everywhere]].

== Contents ==
=== Plot ===
==== Chapter 1: CHAPTER CXVIII - Part 7.2 ====
In [[the Doctor's TARDIS (Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write...)|her TARDIS]], [[The Female Doctor|Doctor Who]], as played by [[Joanna Lumley]], thinks about the [[Great Cosmic War]], pondering who she's fighting at this point. Suddenly, she notices [[the Noodle Man (Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write...)|the Noodle Man]], who briefly speaks to Doctor Who "noodly", before calling the [[Seventh Doctor (Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write...)|Seventh Doctor]], as played by [[Sylvester McCoy]], to ask him to travel along in metatime to the future. The Seventh Doctor initially declines, before being convinced and appearing behind the Noodle Man.

Suddenly, the [[Zarbi]] appear and the Seventh Doctor speaks to [[Aquanafrahudy (in-universe)|the author]] about characterisation, before it's revealed that [[Chris Cwej (Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write...)|Chris Cwej]] is also there. [[Fourth Doctor (Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write...)|Doctor Who]], as portrayed by [[Tom Baker]], appears and questions the excessive swearing, having arrived while testing his new dress. [[The Doctor (The Lily Savage Show)|Doctor Who]], as portrayed by [[Lily Savage]], notes that Doctor Who (Tom Baker) is here for "fanservice", with [[Judie Dench Doctor|Doctor Who]], as "uncanonically" portrayed by [[Judi Dench]], responds, accusing them of stealing their story ideas.

The Zarbi note that the author really hasn't heard of characterisation, leading [[Auteur (Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write...)|Auteur]] to arrive, noting that he hasn't, before the Zarbi note that he's the wrong author, and Auteur reminds them that they can't speak. Auteur then notices Chris Cwej staring at him, and they immediately fall for each other and begin having sex, Auteur thanking [[God]] that this isn't canonical.

[[Jenny Everywhere (Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write...)|Jenny Everywhere]] then arrives, as she's an open source character, leading Doctor Who (Tom Baker) to begin a vote to kick Jenny out of [[Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write... (in-universe)|the story]], with Auteur and Chris Cwej denying to participate as Auteur is fucking Chris Cwej and Chris is Chris fucking Cwej.

Suddenly, the group turn upside-down and start hanging off a cliff as the [[Dalek]]s invade.

==== Chapter 2: Chapter Seven ====
[[Jenny Everywhere (Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write...)|Jenny Everywhere]] notices "[[The Female Doctor|Thirteenth Doctor (The Curse of Fatal Death)]]", and after very brief flirting the two begin making out due to the [[Power of Gay]]. Noticing this, [[Mary Whitehouse]] declares that it's "too much woke", leading Doctor Who ([[Joanna Lumley]]) to kill her.

Suddenly, the [[Dalek]]s invade [[Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write... (in-universe)|the fanfiction]], stating that only they will be able to appear in fanfiction, before deciding to become bananas. A [[Heffalump (Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write...)|passing Heffalump]] comments that the fic is "incredibly pointless", with [[Aquanafrahudy (in-universe)|the author]] telling them to shut up, although [[Auteur (Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write...)|Auteur]] notes that he did ''not'' tell them to shut up, as he's busy fucking [[Chris Cwej (Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write...)|Chris Cwej]], to which the author, [[Aquanafrahudy (in-universe)|Aquanafrahudy]], responds that the story wasn't referring to Auteur.

[[The Toymaker (Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write...)|The Toymaker]] arrives, stating himself to be the villain of this piece, before [[the Noodle Man (Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write...)|the Noodle Man]] noodles all over him.

[[Lawrence Miles]] arrives, stating himself to be [[Los]], and saying that he felt like killing some [[Tory|Tories]]. The looming face of [[Jon Pertwee]] arrives, stating that there are Tories here, with Lawrence attempting to save the day before tripping over [[timeship (Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write...)|a timeship]] and dying of "cringe".

The [[Twelfth Doctor (Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write...)|Twelfth Doctor]] discusses his top surgery with [[Missy]], who mentions that her bottom surgery is next week, with both of them noting that they're goth and trans. [[Bill Potts]] notes that she's a [[Communism|Communist]], before [[Jacob (Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write...)|Jacob]] tells her to shut up.

Lawrence Miles again dies, this time of "anti-wokeness", and [[Paul Magrs]] arrives, "Pauls Magrs[ing] all over the place". They then all get initiated into [[Faction Paradox]], and [[Time Lord (Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write...)|a voiceover]] makes an announcement the following day. During this, a shadow moves and the [[Time Lord]] doing the voiceover notices that it has a "great big sword", and blood spews everywhere.

==== Chapter 3: Once Upon a Time in Fairyland ====
[[Susit (Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write...)|Susit]] and [[Dionus (Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write...)|Dionus]] of the [[Chancellery Guard of Gallifrey]] stand either side of a large doorway, wondering what happened to all the good writers, before turning into bananas. "All the bananas" have now become fish, swimming off to the [[Bahamas]].

In the Bahamas, tourists have taken over and killed the local wildlife. [[Aquanafrahudy (in-universe)|The author]] begins to return to the scene of people dying, before [[Mary Whitehouse]] arrives and hits the author with an umbrella, before falling in love with [[Bernice Summerfield]] and having sex with her. The author notes that it's "That Kind of a Story", not to be confused with That King of a Story, leading the [[King of Astory]] to arrive, asking the author if they'd said his name, which the author denies. The King then presents the [[Astory Historical Records]], which are also a worm called [[Brian (Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write...)|Brian]], who the author refuses to allow into the story.

[[Faction Paradox]] then arrive and repeatedly "faction[] our paradox", with the author eventually remarking "Oh dear!" each time, then "Oh dear! This isn't good!", and then the author called the [[Time Lord]]s in each loop, and eventually the Time Lords arrest Faction Paradox for Improper Conduct, although they later escape. [[The Doctor (Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write...)|Doctor Who]] then shouts about how [[Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write... (in-universe)|the fanfic]] is meant to be about them, and [[Jenny Everywhere (Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write...)|Jenny Everywhere]] notes that the fanfic is trying too hard to be weird, to which the author tells her to shut up.

[[David Tennant (Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write...)|David Tennant]] then arrives, bouncing about and getting in people's faces, followed by [[Davros]] and [[Sarah-Jane Smith]] both of whom wish to have sex with David, leading them to have a "[[Last Great Cosmic Time War in Heaven]]" about it.

Back at the start of the story, in [[the Doctor's TARDIS (Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write...)|her TARDIS]], [[The Female Doctor|Doctor Who]], as played by [[Joanna Lumley]], thinks about the [[Great Cosmic War]], pondering who she's fighting at this point. Suddenly, she notices [[the Noodle Man (Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write...)|the Noodle Man]], who mentions a time loop.

Lumley then attempts to call [[William Hartnell]], deciding not to call [[Sylvester McCoy]] as she's aware of how time loops work. After failing, she decides to quote him instead, saying "Fuck the police", leading the Noodle Man to fuck the police, which they're happy about. [[The Shift]] then introduces themselves, before realising that the readers don't know who they are and leaving.

And thus, the Last Great Cosmic Time War in Heaven seemingly ends, leading Doctor Who to argue with the author about whether it's ended. Jenny Everywhere states that the fanfiction is "rubbish", to which both the author and Joanna Lumley tell her to shut up, with the two then kissing vehemently. The author decides to delete the whole fic, wondering why there was so much sex, and [[Godfather Morlock]] notes that he enjoyed it, before getting his own copy and erasing the fic from existence. The author and Morlock discuss the War, leading Morlock to note that it had been fine until [[Steven Moffat|Moffat]] came and compressed it all.

==== Chapter 4: 16,789. The Rise of something or other, probably. ====
[[Aquanafrahudy (in-universe)|Aquanafrahudy]] sets [[Faction Paradox]] on [[gibbypg]] from the [[Doctor Who Discord server|''Doctor Who'' Discord server]]. [[Joanna Lumley]] question this, and they're soon all killed by [[giant fish (Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write...)|a giant fish]], and Lumley is revealed to be [[Foxstiel]], also from the aforementioned server.

The author turns out to be gibbypg, gibbypg turns out to be Joanna Lumley, [[Foxstiel]] turns out to be [[Tom Baker]], and [[Danny DeVito (Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write...)|Danny DeVito]] turns out to be the [[Goblin King (Doctor Who)|Goblin King]]. Everyone then dies and comes back as [[Colin Baker]] before strangling [[Peri Brown|Peri]], then [[Sylvester McCoy]] kills them all and they go to [[Hell]].

==== Chapter 5: In which I find I am fighting off a slow sense of existential dread at the thought that possibly the well of ideas in my brain might not be infinite & that I might not be able to carry on writing this forever and oh god that’s rather a hellish thought ====
[[Aquanafrahudy (in-universe)|The author]] realises they may not have an infinite amount of ideas in their mind, meaning that they won't be able to continue [[Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write... (in-universe)|the story]] forever, which they find to be a [[hell]]ish thought.

==== Chapter 6: CHAPTER 1 ====
Having finished having sex with [[Chris Cwej (Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write...)|Chris Cwej]], [[Auteur (Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write...)|Auteur]] asks [[Aquanafrahudy (in-universe)|the author]] if he can become the main villain of [[Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write... (in-universe)|the story]], usurping the narrative and winning the day, to which he's denied, before walking away dejectedly in an out-of-character fashion.

The [[Menoptera]] jump up and down on the [[Zarbi]]'s heads, leading the Zarbi to "boop" out of existence, with the Menoptera getting excited that they're in a fanfic, only for an ad-break to begin, advertising a [[human colony (Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write...)|human colony]] that appeared in [[Doctor Who episode (Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write...)|an episode]] of ''[[Doctor Who]]''.

The [[Dalek]]s then emerge from the ad, planning to take over the fanfic, only for [[The Doctor (Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write...)|Doctor Who]] to state that they won't take over the fanfic, calling them shit villains, with the Daleks keeling over.

Doctor Who and the Daleks are kidnapped by [[Evil Froxbanian]]s and the story ends.

[[Jenny Everywhere (Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write...)|Jenny Everywhere]] argues with the author about whether the story should end there, before [[Missy]] descends and asks for [[the Female Doctor|the Joanna Lumley Doctor]]. Finding her, Missy puts an arm around her, and they gaze into each other's eyes, stating their love for each other. [[The Toymaker (Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write...)|The Toymaker]] speaks up, only for [[the Noodle Man (Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write...)|the Noodle Man]] to noodle all over him again, leading the story to finally end, with [[Judi Dench Doctor|Doctor Who]], as portrayed by [[Judi Dench]], to comment on its shortness, with the author simply telling them to shut up.

==== Chapter 7: This is not an epilogue ====
[[Quattro]] asks "WHAT ABOUT ME?", leading [[The Doctor (Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write...)|Doctor Who]] to ask who Quattro is. Quattro responds and eats Doctor Who, with blood squirting everywhere and [[Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write... (in-universe)|the story]] ending.

==== Chapter 8: This is definitely not an epilogue. ====
[[Mattie (Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write...)|Mattie]], from the [[Doctor Who Discord server|''Doctor Who'' Discord server]], asks if they can be in [[Doctor Who and the Completely Idiotic and Definitely Non-Canonical Attempt to Write... (in-universe)|the fanfic]], with [[Aquanafrahudy (in-universe)|the author]] denying this and deciding to finally end the story.

=== Worldbuilding ===
''To be added''

=== Continuity ===
* [[The Toymaker (Doctor Who)|The Toymaker]] was previously depicted in [[Jenny Everywhere]] media in [[COMIC]]: ''[[Peter's Death (comic story)|Peter's Death]]''.
''more to be added''

== Behind the scenes ==
=== Read online ===
The story was originally released on Archive of Our Own [https://archiveofourown.org/works/55679605/chapters/141336577 here].

[[Category:Stories]]
[[Category:Prose Stories]]
[[Category:Short Stories]]
[[Category:Surviving Stories]]
[[Category:Crossovers]]
[[Category:Fan Works]]
[[Category:Written by Aquanafrahudy]]
[[Category:Released in 2024]]
[[Category:Featuring Jenny Everywhere]]
[[Category:Featuring the Doctor]]